Flashbacks

12 Oct

So, we’re here again. Fall. Usually my absolute favorite time of the year, but difficult this year. I keep having flashbacks to the early days of my miscarried pregnancy.

I found out that I was pregnant on September 22, 2012. I remember so vividly how my heart literally skipped a beat in my chest when I plucked up the courage to peek and saw those double pink lines.  Thinking back that day I realized that I knew the exact date and time that our baby was conceived! (Yes, timed and targeted baby dancing does work! Lol!)

So it’s been a year since I felt that pulling and stretching in my lower abdomen of my child settling into his new home. It’s been a year since cravings and waves of nausea caused me to cook or order all kinds of food then pack them into the freezer in disgust the next minute. It’s been a year since I prayed over my unborn child and hoped he would look just like his daddy. It’s been a year.

The cold weather is bringing back so many memories. I have no sweaters to wear this year because last fall/winter I was shopping for and dressing for my bigger size. I remember waddling with my newfound cargo between the bus and metro, trying to escape the elements and silently cussing the people who wouldn’t give a seat to the lady with the small paunch.  It’s been a year.

In July this year a friend asked if I have certain hard days. At the time I told her, “no” because my grieving seemed to come upon me suddenly, with no rhyme or reason. But I guess I now know that this time of the year is hard for me. And it will only get worse. I’m dreading the one-year anniversary of the actual miscarriage and dreaded D&C.

Has Fall been forever ruined for me?

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